Friday, February 5, 2021

Coming to terms

After my pregnancy annoucement on social media, I was bombarded with adverts including diapers, milk bottles, insurance plans and a surprising amount of literature. 

"How to prepare your child for a sibling"

"Soothing and feeding a fussy baby"

"I am going to be a big sister"

"Award winning baby sleep training methods for the new mum"

"Baby is coming!" 

What I really needed to know was this - how does one cope with a pregnancy one did not want? 

In the year 2020, our family grieved with close friends over two miscarriages and one confirmation of inferitility. At the same time we welcomed joyfully into the world 9 new borns, some planned, others not. As a volunteer counsellor, I came across five stories of miscarriages (including a horrendous story of one who's heart stopped beating at week 18 without reason) and two couples on the brink of divorce due to infertility issues. 

The truth is, all this knowledge and experience with others, did not at all prepare me for our unplanned third pregnancy. Not. One. Bit. 

Not the sort to have a nervous breakdown, I remember starely blankly into space for some minutes. Those minutes became hours, days and then eventually months. Part of the truth was that my body was very sick from the early weeks of pregnancy, it had been the case every time. Insomnia. Nausea. Exhaustion. Black outs etc. But I knew deep down, that I had gone into hibernation because I was depressed. 

Lying in bed for hours in the mornings while the children were in school. Sometimes reading. Sometimes crying quietly. And at other times just staring at the ceiling. JG would come and check on me in the day when he could, but I could not even tell him what drama I was streaming. I had no consciousness of what I was watching, it was just there to distract me from myself. 

Have I come to terms with this pregnancy?

It would be a lie to say I have. But I have begun writing about it like this. How in the same way, I started writing to allow my post-natal depression with Humblet unravel. That's a start.

With each scan, Omelette grows bigger and stronger. That single pulsating heartbeat now has limbs and a round comical belly attached to an egg shaped head. We are so grateful that pregnancy lasts all these months, so that we also have the time to get stronger and love better.   

Maybe I will write more regularly from now on, but maybe I won't. 

This is just to say, thank you for reading about my struggle. Uncensored, unedited and unresolved.